The Stars Are Silver Notes Across That Sky Now

I had a dream about him today. I haven’t thought about him in so long. And not only was he in my dream, he was who it was completely centered upon. And we ended up together. And it was like a combination of all the great parts of our relationship, like most of senior year, and none of the times when he made me cry or when he was a being difficult. And his smile. God, his smile. So many memories of high school have faded, but that one remains. I think it might forever. And while that scares me, that I’ll never truly be able to forget him, I feel as though all memories of him will fade, the good with the bad, and all I’ll remember of him will be that sweet, perfect smile.

I’ll never understand why he tried so hard to make me hate him. Never. I can understand that he wasn’t attracted to me in the same way that I was to him. That’s understandable, I’ve been through that many times. But why not just act like he didn’t care? Why work so hard to make me hate him? Didn’t he know that any time I started to, all he had to do was smile and I’d be right back to that state of adoration?

I loved him. I did. I absolutely loved him. That’s so scary to admit, because it wasn’t reciprocated. I feel like I failed an assignment. My assignment was a first love and I failed, because it never got off the ground. But when he flashed that smile, I felt like, not only had I left the ground, I was soaring. And that’s why I’m beginning to accept it. I’m beginning to be able to admit to myself that I did love him, even if he didn’t love me. Someday, somebody will. Somebody will make me feel like he did.

And hopefully, my smile will lift them off the ground the way his lifted me.